If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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