How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Randomize
