He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Randomize
