Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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