Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
