i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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