My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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