why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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