i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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