Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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