It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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