failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
