is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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