Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
