She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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