She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
