i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
