i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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