Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Enjoy the penises
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
