I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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