you would pick up someone in the library
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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