my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
