My friends, they love my intelligence
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
