I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
