I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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