I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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