I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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