So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
