Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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