I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
