she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
When did angry sex become our thing?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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