So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
How does one acquire holy water?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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