hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
