Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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