Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
