Plan B is the new Plan A
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
