She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
