Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize