your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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