And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
