My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
