Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
