So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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