She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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