I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
