I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
