Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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