My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
BRING THE BAGELS
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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