My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
