He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I have feelings that need drinking.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize