the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
