I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
