When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
