she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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