i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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